So I have been really good about not going out to eat because I want to show my kids that Mamí does cook and well. I also was appalled at myself for allowing my kids to get to the point that they know a lot of the names of fast food restaurants. Hence my weight gain. No excuses though. Yes, I am a single mother who works hard at what I do... I come home exhausted daily, and by the time I do get home all I want to do is pretty much go to bed. Some days I don't feel hungry but make myself eat because despite my weight, it is unhealthy to miss a meal. I will admit though, I could go without several meals and survive fine. Maybe a little woozy, but I would live. Starving myself, however, is not an option.
I was really proud of myself for not succumbing to eating out until I failed myself and got Sonic for breakfast, then Thursday I broke down and got Chick-Fi-A because I forgot to take down the fish I was going to cook for dinner. I got the grilled chicken sandwich sans waffle fries (which I love) and a large lemonade. I felt I had failed myself and my children, but mostly myself for breaking down. However, I tried to console myself with the fact that my sandwich had absolutely no dressing, but then I felt guilt because I added cheese. I had this internal battle with myself over the very meal I was consuming. It was horrible.
Then yesterday I did myself worse. I went out to eat at a sit down restaurant, had a full meal, plus 3 glasses of margaritas. Then later I went to a late night movie and had a small popcorn with butter and a red velvet cake with milk. The cake was delish down to the last bite, but then when I went home feeling a little sick because of the popcorn. I felt utter disgust. (I even woke up this way at 5am until it went away). The popcorn did me in more than the cake! I went to bed feeling full of guilt and not physically full at all. (Which was the only plus). It then occurred to me that when the kids are away I splurge so much on food it is ridiculous! I didn't even realize I was doing this to myself until I had come to consoling myself over the fact that at least this time I had not come home (on a weekend sans kids) feeling so full I felt sick to stomach and could not fall asleep at all! I need to get into something on the weekend that is doing something other than eating! I did not realize how much of self-destruction I was causing.
A few years back I came to the realization, through reading a blog about eating, that I had a love/hate relationship with food. I accepted it as much and moved on. The breakdown of my relationship was seeming like this to me: I love food because most of it is yummy and I hate it because of what it does to my body. I hated that everything that I love to taste in my mouth and savor were the very things that were so not healthy for me or unnatural to begin with. Prime example, my LOVE for hot Cheetos with lemon or lime (depending which is on hand). This is not a natural product (minus the lemon/lime) from the earth. It is processed junk and I knew/know it, but I still ate/eat it!
Like Jamie Oliver says, if you read the label and you cannot make out what the heck it says and it sounds like a whole bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo, then it is NOT good for you!! IT'S JUNK! I need to be smarter with my eating habits. I realize this is my downfall. I also realize I cannot do this alone. Writing about it is my way of being transparent and putting a label on the emotions behind it all. I have to write what I am feeling. What provokes me to eat this way, the way it makes me feel after, etc. If I don't I will keep on living in denial and turn a blind eye, or worse... keep numbing the pain. Maybe even all of the above.
I continue to pray for motivation. Believe me when I say, God has a way of listening! The other day, the weather was so gorgeous... it was spring weather in winter, so I went home motivated for a walk. I pushed myself to go and took the kids. We walked down to the track at the middle school down the way from my house. I had to push/pull my daughter's bike (it has training wheels), but we made it. The walk over there in itself took about 20 minutes. I had to keep stopping for the kids. Then we walked/raced on the track. My two year old was challenging me to a race... looking back at me and telling me to run. It was then I felt more motivation. I saw God in him. He keep cheering for me to come on, to beat him, and I ran... I actually ran. It was awesome to see that in my son. My heart melted and I felt thankful to God for motivating me through my son and the beautiful weather. All in all I had about an hour workout. We only went around the track 3 times and then we had to walk back home. I felt accomplished. Today I am going to go walking. I am motivated again. I have to recover from the shame and self-guilt. My walk on the track was blown down the tube by my self-destruction. So now that I have fallen, I must get back up again. I realize that this will be a constant struggle until I have made my way up this hill of self-control and love.
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